The news is abuzz about Paris Hilton, especially since she went to jail for five minutes for drunk driving. Even so, she still got more jail time than Scooter Libby. But that’s for another post. Oh look, a suicide bomb killed a bunch of people. Who cares, Martha Stewart went to jail. Let’s jerk off about that for an hour, and leave the suicide bomb thing for a 30 second sound bite. A zombie plague in Ukraine? Where the hell is that? We’ve got a much more important crisis on our hands: Britney Spears shaved her head! Move move move! Huh, they found a cure to AIDS with no side effects, but Congress outlawed it for some reason. Well, we could run that, but the public would start hyperventilating if they didn’t hear what Paris Hilton is up to!
This all reminds me of the O.J. Simpson trial, which seemed to take five years. Endless coverage on every channel, and even the commercials didn’t give you an escape: “O.J. Simpson trial giving you a headache? Try Advil!” It was as if all the events of the world came to a halt, and every human being on Earth held their breath until the final verdict. Of course, lots of other stuff happened during that decade-spanning trial, but we never heard about it, because of the crippling, all-consuming shadow cast by this endless media circus.
The Paris Hilton stuff is more annoying, though, because the O.J. Simpson trial was about murder, which is really serious, whereas the Paris Hilton crapola was just some rich Barbie doll get away with drunk driving, which can potentially kill people, with a slap on the wrist. I say lock her up. It would do the pampered brat a world of good, and build character. Take her out of her pink plastic bubble and into the gritty, smelly, concrete floor real world. But what do I care about Paris Hilton? Nobody cares about her, except maybe journalists. If you’re reading this right now and you’re about to say that you do care about her, hold your tongue, because my adage still holds true. Nobody cares about Paris Hilton. Therefore, if you do care about Paris Hilton, you’re nobody.